Self-Control

What do you suppose is self-control?

Is it that you do not physically do anything to show raw emotions, anger and frustrations that boils inside the darkest part of your mind, a forest filled with thoughts screaming and scratching at your most inner emotion, that child that sits all curled up with fear locked away in your heart, that makes your heart wonder, lost, not knowing what to do.

Do you ever feel like that raw emotion grows and grows like a wild fire. Do you ever imagine yourself or think of it, of kicking and screaming and freaking out, just breaking down, feeling like you want to burst because of all the raw wild emotions, anger, frustration and negativity. Just to get it out, and then after the kicking and screaming you want to cry out loudly for hours, hard, eventually until it is nothing but sobbing and tears that is no more, that went dry.

With all that going on inside of you, all you find yourself doing each day, is lean forward, holding on to whatever is in front of you and breathe. Just breathe deeply, telling yourself to calm down. Telling all the monsters that grew from fear, anger, disappointment, frustrations, and every other negative emotion that grew with time or without; to calm down.

Is this what people call bottling your emotions?

Or is it self-control?

Or is it the calm before the storm?

I don’t know, should I care?

I have no let out, because I just don’t want to explain my “let out” to begin with, nor the reasons behind it.

And so goes the switch, on and off… Caught in a loop.

– CdP

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